A Smooth Solution

Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grandiose ideas, while the husband wanted to keep costs  to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher.

I dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. I remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

******

Smile for the Camera

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for speeding, even though I knew I wasn’t. Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly. But again the camera flashed. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time while I drove by it at a snail’s pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

*******

A Sermon about Lying

A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. He then proceeded with his sermon.

*******

A Timely Message

Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn’t return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

“Hi,” a voice said. “This is Dad. I’m locked out of the house.”

*******

Relativity

A few weeks after the death of my father-in-law, I found my seven-year-old son crying in bed. His grandmother had died the previous year, and he was taking it all very hard. “You know, Scott,” I said, “when we die, we’ll get to see Grandma and Grandpa again in heaven.”

With tears spilling down his face, Scott cried, “That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have that long!

*******

Good Manners
(Told by Swami Kriyananda)

A three-year-old girl was sent to stay the night with a friend of hers, also three years old. Before she left, her mother told her, “Now remember to be polite at the table.” While having dinner at her friend’s house, the little girl was asked by her friend’s mother, “Do you like spinach?” Remembering to be polite at the table, the little girl said, “Oh I love spinach.” And so she heaped her plate high with spinach.

After the meal, her friend’s mother saw that she hadn’t eaten any spinach. She said, “I thought you liked spinach?” The little girl replied, “Oh I do, but not enough to eat it.”

*******

Doing a Good Deed

Although John had arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter explained that he had to meet certain criteria to get in.

For instance, did he attend church? No.

Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor? No.

Did he do any good deeds? Anything? No.

St. Peter, becoming concerned, said, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help you. Now think!”

John said, “Wait, now I remember. There was this elderly woman coming out of a grocery store who found her surrounded by a dozen guys who were part of a motorcycle gang. They had taken her purse and were taunting her. I got so mad that I fought through the crowd and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet and went up to the biggest, meanest biker in the group and told him how despicable and cowardly he was.”

“Very impressive,” said St. Peter, “When did this happen?”

“About 10 minutes ago,” replied John.

*******

Taxi Driver in Heaven

A preacher and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was waiting for them at the Pearly Gates. He looked them over for a moment then took the taxi driver to his new home in heaven—a lavish mansion fully equipped with butlers and servants and anything else you could possibly imagine.

Then Peter led the preacher to his new home— a rustic old shack out in the woods with a bunk bed and an old black & white TV set.

“Wait,” said the preacher. “There must be a mistake. Shouldn’t I be the one who gets the mansion? After all, I’ve worked for Jesus all my life, but he didn’t”

“Yes, that’s true,” Peter responded, “but during your sermons people tended to fall asleep. But when the taxi driver drove his cab, everyone prayed.”

Clarity Magazine articles can be printed in “text only” format, using your own computer.

 Last Wishes

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we also talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her, “Darling never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I’d much rather die.”

My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration … and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the cable, the dish, the DVD, the computer, the cell phone, the iPod, and the Xbox. Then she went to the bar and threw away all my whiskey, rum, gin, vodka, and the beer in the fridge.

I ALMOST DIED!!

*******

Moses and the Parting of the Red Sea

Nine-year-old Jimmy was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses on a mission to rescue the Israelites out of Egypt. When they got to the Red Sea, Moses had them build a pontoon bridge so they could walk safely across, and they were saved. Then he called in his engineers to sink the pontoons and the Pharaoh drowned.

“Now, Jimmy, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

*******

“Satan Stuff”
(Told by Anandi Cornell)

Two youngsters were on their way to Sunday school when one said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

“Well, you remember Santa? This could turn out to be your dad, too.”

*******

“I Can Remember That!”

An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to the doctor to make sure they were okay.

After a thorough examination, the doctor said they were both fine, but that they might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and went home.

Later that evening, the wife asked her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream.

Her husband said, “Sure.”

His wife then said, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?”

“No,” he said, “I can easily remember that.”

“Well,” said his wife, “I would also like some strawberries on top and some whipped cream. I think you had better write it all down because I know you’ll forget.”

With irritation in his voice, her husband said, “I don’t need to write it down. I can remember that.” He went into the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later he returned and handed his wife a plate of scrambled eggs.

After staring at the plate for a moment, his wife said, “You forgot my toast.”

*******

Sunday Sermon

A somewhat long-winded preacher, giving a sermon one Sunday, noticed two teenage girls giggling and disturbing others in the back of the church.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly in a loud voice, “There are certain people here who have not heard a word I’ve said this morning.” He then resumed his sermon where he had left off.

After the service, three adults apologized for falling asleep.

*******

Wrong Message

A businessman left for a vacation in Florida. His wife, away on a business trip, planned to fly down and meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he emailed his wife to let her know that he had arrived safely, but he mis-typed her email address.

His email message went to a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow read the email, she collapsed onto the floor.

The woman’s daughter rushed into the room to see what had happened and found the following email message on the computer screen:

“My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here!”

*******

Free Will?

After delaying for some years, a young man finally decided to get married. He and his fiancée went to the local church to sign some pre-wedding papers. While filling out the forms, the man happened to read aloud the last question: “Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?”

Hesitating for a moment, he looked at his fiancée. Emphatically she said, “Put down ‘yes!’”

*******

The Bowl of Soup

A man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. A few minutes after the soup arrived, he called to the waiter and said, “Waiter, come, taste this soup.”

Perplexed, the waiter asked, “Is there something wrong with the soup?”

The man said, “Waiter, just taste the soup.”

The waiter replied, “Is there something wrong with the soup? Is it too hot? Is it too cold?”

Irritated, the man said, “Will you just taste the soup?”

The waiter said, “All right. I’ll taste the soup. Where is the spoon?”

The man said, “Ah-ha!!!!”

*******

The Seven Commandments

When I asked my friend if she was planning to attend church, she just shook her head. “I haven’t gone in a long time,” she said. “Besides, it’s too late for me. I’ve probably already broken all seven commandments.

Clarity Magazine articles can be printed in “text only” format, using your own computer.

The Gutenberg Bible

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance of his who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible. He mentioned that he saw the name Guten-somebody-or-other inscribed on one of the pages.

“Not Gutenberg?” gasped the collector.

“Yes, that was it!”

“Don’t you know that you’ve thrown away one of the first books ever printed. It’s worth at least a half a million dollars!”

“Oh, I don’t think it would have been worth that much,” replied the man. “It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther.”

******

Who Destroyed the Walls of Jericho?

A minister who was responsible for religious education in a certain school decided to visit the classes one day, to check out the education level. He asked the students, “Please tell me, who destroyed the walls of Jericho?”

One of the students stood up and said, ” I don’t know who did it but it wasn’t me, Sir!”

The minister, thinking the students were making fun of him, turned to the teacher and asked, “Is this the way students here normally behave?”

Puzzled, the teacher replied, “I believe this student is very honest and wouldn’t do such a thing.”

Dismayed, the minister went to his assistant and explained to him what had happened. The assistant replied, “I know this student and his teacher very well, and I am absolutely sure none of them is guilty of destroying that wall.”

When the minister heard this, he made a formal complaint to the Religious Education Commission. They replied:

“Dear Sir, let us not make a big issue out of this. We will be happy to pay for the damaged walls. We can write it off as current school year repair. Our insurance will cover whatever losses we incur.”

******

Curiosity

Our six-year-old daughter seemed to have a need to ask lots of questions.

One day my wife said her in exasperation, “Have you ever heard that curiosity killed the cat?”

“No,” replied our daughter.

“Well, there was a cat, and he was very inquisitive. And one day, he looked into a big hole, fell in, and died!”

Our daughter was intrigued: “What was in the hole?”

******

The Evils of Alcohol

A certain minister one Sunday morning was giving a sermon on the evils of alcohol. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

And then, finally, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”

At the end of the sermon, the choir master stood up and announced with a slight smile, “Let us close with hymn #365: Shall We Gather at the River?”

******

The Lincoln Memorial

When my eight-year-old nephew came to visit me in Washington DC, I took a day off from my job and showed him the Lincoln Memorial. There etched into the monument is a large block of text 273 words long. He asked, “What’s that?”

“That’s Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address,” I said.

“If that’s his address, how does he get any mail?”

******

Jesus Speaking

A painter, high up on a scaffold inside an enormous, empty cathedral, spotted an elderly woman below in fervent prayer. He decided to have some fun. In a deep eerie voice that echoed throughout the church he said, “Hellooo. This is Jesus.”

The old woman, seemingly taking no notice, kept on praying silently to herself. The painter, disappointed that there was no reaction, tried again. In a louder voice he said, “Hellooo. This is Jesus.”

Still no reaction. This time he shouted out, “Hellooo. This is Jesus.”

Without looking up, she responded sharply, “I’m talking to your Father!”

******

Harold

With great pride, a father was listening to his little 5-year-old say his bedtime prayers one night. The child began his prayer, “Dear Harold.”

Surprised, the father interrupted him and said, “Wait a minute, Jimmy, how come you called God “Harold?”

The little boy looked up and said, “That’s what they call Him in church, when we pray: “Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name.”

******

Jonah and the Teacher

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales and how she had heard in Sunday School about how a whale had swallowed Jonah.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl remained steadfast in her position and reiterated that indeed, a whale had swallowed Jonah.

Irritated, the teacher again stated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “I’m not sure how it happened, but when I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.

Smugly the teacher replied, “What if Jonah isn’t in heaven?”

The little girl replied, “Then you can ask him.”

Clarity Magazine articles can be printed in “text only” format, using your own computer.

There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. ~Paramhansa Yogananda.

The Driver’s License

A young man came home and said: “Dad, I just got my driver’s license and would like to use the family car.”

His father replied: “OK son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we’ll see.”

Several months later the young man came home with his report card and said, “Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I’ve been keeping my room clean, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?”

His father replied: “That’s all true, but son you didn’t cut your hair.”

The son said: “But, dad, Jesus had long hair.”

The father replied: “Yes, son, you’re perfectly right, and he walked everywhere he went!”

*******

Saying Grace

A four-year-old boy was asked to say grace before dinner, one night. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

The boy began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for mommy, daddy, brother and sister and all his family. Then he began to thank God for the food.

After a long pause, he looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t he know that I’m lying?”

*******

Voice Mail

Have you wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?  Imagine praying to God and you heard this:

“Thank you for calling My Father’s House. Please select one of the following options:

–Press 1 for Requests

–Press 2 for Thanksgiving

–Press 3 for Complaints

–Press 4 for All Other Inquiries.”

What if God used the familiar excuse:

“I’m sorry, all of our angels are busy helping other saints right now. However, your prayer is important to us and will be answered in the order it was received, so please stay on the line.”  If you would like to speak to:

–Gabriel, Press 1

–Michael, Press 2

–For a directory of other angels, Press 3

–If you’d like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, please press 4.

–To find out if a loved one has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, enter his or her social security number, then press the pound key. (If you get a negative response, try area code 777.)

–For reservations at “My Father’s House,” please enter J-O-H-N, followed by 3-1-6.

–For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth and where Noah’s Ark is, please wait until you arrive here.

–Our computers show that you have already prayed once today. Please hang up and try again tomorrow so that others may have a chance to get through.

–This office is closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

– Please pray again Monday after 9:30 am. If you need emergency assistance when this office is closed, contact your local pastor.

*******

Can It Swim?
(From Swami Kriyananda)

I once heard a story about a man who went out duck hunting on a lake. As he shot his first duck, his dog jumped out of the boat to fetch it. But instead of swimming, the dog ran across the water.

The man couldn’t believe his eyes. When his dog ran out to fetch a second duck, the man decided that perhaps his beer had been somehow “enriched.”

The next day he took along a witness. Again, as he shot his first duck, his dog jumped out of the boat to fetch it. Again it ran across the water. The man looked at his friend to catch his reaction. There was none.

“Am I losing my mind?” wondered the hunter. He shot a second duck, and again his dog ran out to fetch it. This time, too, his friend took in the scene with no sign of interest.

“D-d-did you see what my dog just did?” asked the hunter, anxiously.

“I saw,” replied his friend. “The stupid thing can’t swim.”

*******

An Important Question
(From Nayaswami Bharat)

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed one of the little boys of the congregation staring up at a large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, when the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, “Good morning Alex.”

“Good morning pastor,” replied the boy still focused on the plaque.

“Pastor McGhee, what is this?” Alex asked.

“Well, son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly, Pastor McGhee and Alex stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex’s voice was barely audible when he asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 11:00?”

*******

It’s Turtles All the Way Down!”
(From Nayaswami Jyotish)

In the early years of the twentieth century, the scientist, William James, often lectured on astronomy and the nature of the universe. He explained how the cosmic gases condensed into stars and planets, how the planets revolved around the sun, and that our planet,  Earth, revolved around the sun.

After one of his lectures a little old lady came up and said, “Mr. James, you shouldn’t talk all that nonsense about the planets and the earth revolving the sun.“

He said, “Well, what do you mean?”  “Well, don’t you know, you fool!  The earth is just dirt on the back of a giant turtle!”

And Mr. James said, “Well, if the earth is just dirt on the back of a giant turtle, what’s the turtle standing on?”

She replied,  “Well, you fool!  That’s turtle’s standing on a bigger turtle!”

And Mr. James said, “Well, yes, but what’s that bigger—“

And she cut him off and said:

“Don’t bother, Mr. James!  It’s turtles all the way down!”

Anger or Exasperation?
(Told by Catherine Kairavi)

A little boy came home from school with new vocabulary words that he’d been asked to study.  He worked on the assignments, and when he got to the word “exasperation” he went to his father and said, “Dad, I know the word ‘anger,’ and it seems to me like this word means the same thing as ‘exasperation.’ What’s the difference between anger and exasperation?”

His father decided to illustrate the difference in a concrete way. So he picked up the phone and dialed a number at random. A voice answered, and the father said, “Hello, is Milton there?”

The man on the line replied through gritted teeth, “No, Milton is not here. There is no Milton here, and in fact you have the wrong number.” And he hung up.

The father turned to his son and said, “Now watch.”

And he dialed the same number again. When the man answered, he said in his brightest voice, “Hi, is Milton there?”

The man barked, “No! Milton’s not here, I told you! You’ve reached the same number again. For heaven’s sake, look up the number, get it right, and don’t call me again!”  And he slammed the phone down.

The father said, “That was anger.”

Now listen again.” He picked up the phone, dialed the same number, and when the man answered he inquired innocently, “Hello, this is Milton, have there been any calls for me?”

The son listened while the poor man gurgled and spluttered with barely controlled rage. The father hung up the phone and said, “Now, that’s exasperation.”

********

True Love

Steven, age 3, hugged and kissed his Mom good night. He said, “I love you so much that when you die, I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”

********

How Does It Know What You Want?
(Told by Peter Van Houten)

One of my favorite stories is about three old men who were arguing about what should rank as the most amazing discovery ever made.

The first said it was electricity and he began listing the reasons why.

The second disagreed and said it had to be the airplane.

But before he could say any more, the third old man interrupted to announce that the most amazing discovery ever made was the thermos bottle.

The first two were surprised at this and said, “That’s ridiculous! Why the thermos bottle?!!!

The third man said, “No, really, think about it! In the summer time you want the thermos bottle to keep things cold, and it keeps them cold. And in the winter you want it to keep things hot, and it keeps them hot. And the amazing thing is, how does it know what you want?”

********

“What Happened to the Flea?”

James, age 4, was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”

********

Christmas Shopping

In the hustle and bustle of Christmas shopping in downtown San Francisco, Moira lost her handbag.

A small boy found it and returned it to her. Looking in her bag, Moira thought, “That’s strange. When I lost my bag there was a 20-dollar bill in it.  Now there are four five-dollar bills.

“That’s right,” the boy quickly replied, “The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

********

The Red Wagon

On the Sunday after Christmas, Father John was packing away the Church’s nativity scene when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing.

Immediately, he decided to call the police. But on his way to the rectory, he saw a neighbor boy with a new red wagon, and in it the little infant, Jesus.

Father John walked up to him and said, “Well, son, where did you get the little infant?”

The boy replied honestly, “I took him from the church, Father.”

“And why did you take him?” he asked, sternly.

“About a week before Christmas,” he said sheepishly, “I prayed to Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block.”

********

Modern Day Nativity

Did you hear about the elementary school Nativity Play?

Two children, dressed as Mary and Joseph, are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the stage, a lad in a shepherd’s outfit is calling ahead on a cell phone to make a reservation.

********

Graffiti

Seen on a subway wall: “God is dead.”–Nietzsche.

Below was written: “Nietzsche is dead.”–God.

Clarity Magazine articles can be printed in “text only” format, using your own computer.

“Jesus, Please Let Him into Heaven”
(Told by Nayaswami Bharat)

In the early 1980s, just after my book Sharing Nature with Children was published, I gave a nature workshop in Pennsylvania. The sponsor of the program, with whom I stayed, was a devoted fundamentalist Christian and a very fine man.

During my stay in his home and at the workshop, he observed me blessing my food, praying before speaking, and thinking of God as much as I could during the day. The day after I finished the workshop, I was with him in his living room, waiting for my next program sponsor to pick me up. He said, “Joseph, could you come upstairs to my office?”

I had no idea what he wanted to talk about, and why we needed to go upstairs for him to tell me.

As soon as we sat down in the chairs in his office, he immediately began to pray out loud to Jesus. In his prayer, he said: “Jesus, Joseph loves God very much. He is deeply sincere. Although he isn’t a Christian, could you make an exception for him and let him into heaven?”

*********

A Good Idea
(Told by Swami Kriyananda)

Mahatma Gandhi was once asked what he thought of Western civilization. He replied: “I think it would be a good idea.”

*********

“Go Find Your Own Dirt!”
(Told by Nayaswami Parvati)

A scientist came to God and said, “You’ve supposedly created everything in the universe, but as far as I can see, I can create anything you’ve created. I challenge you to a contest. Let’s both create something. I bet I can make anything you can make and probably do it even better.”

God looked at the man and said, “All right. That sounds fine to me.” But when they both reached down to grab a handful of earth, God said, “Wait a minute, go find your own dirt!”

*********

Holier than Thou
(Told by Swami Kriyananda)

There was a certain cartoon that I saw many years ago: two monks, one of them looking slightly down his nose at the other, protested: “But I am holier than thou!”

*********

The Best Way to Pray
(Told by Nayaswami Bharat)

A telephone lineman was up on a telephone pole repairing power lines when a car pulled up underneath him. Three ministers got out to stretch their legs. They began a discussion about the best way to pray.

The first minister said, “Oh, I pray best when I kneel and bow down humbly before the Lord. This is when I feel God’s presence the most.”

The second minister said, “I pray best when I sit down and am very still.”

The third minister said, “Oh no, the best way to pray is standing up. I love to pray when I dance around in joy.”

They kept debating for awhile. Meanwhile, the telephone lineman, overhearing the conversation, interrupted and said: “Hey, you guys are all wrong. The best prayer I ever said was when I was hanging upside down on a power line!”

*********

Good and Bad Judgment
(Told by Nayaswami Jyotish)

Two friends, Tom and Frank, are sitting in a room, and Tom says to Frank,

“You seem to have good judgment. How did you get such good judgment?”

Tom replies, “Good judgment is born of experience.”

Frank asks, “Well, how do you get that kind of experience?”

Tom answers, “Bad judgment.”

Clarity Magazine articles can be printed in “text only” format, using your own computer.

The Bowl of Porridge
(From Nayaswami Anandi)

Saint Francis had a brother monk, Brother Juniper, who was a rather simple brother and at times a frustration to his superiors. He once made a mistake and his superior chastised him for it at great lengths.

Brother Juniper woke up in the middle of that same night and reflected on his superior’s recent chastisement. And he thought, “You know, I think my superior strained his voice when he was yelling at me. I feel very, very bad about that, so I think I should do something to remedy it.”

So he went down to the kitchen and cooked up some porridge with lots of butter in it. He said to himself, “This will be very helpful.”

With a candle in one hand and the porridge in the other, he went upstairs and knocked on the door of his superior’s room. His superior was sound asleep and awoke with a start thinking something horrible had happened. He opened the door and said, “What is it? What is it?”

Brother Juniper said, “Well, I thought about your voice today when you were scolding me, and it sounded like it was getting a little bit weak. I thought this porridge would moisten your throat and prevent you from getting ill.”

His superior was irate. He said, “You woke me up for this! I can’t believe it!  I don’t want your porridge!”

And Brother Juniper said, “Oh well, if you don’t want the porridge, could you hold the candle while I eat it?”

*******       *******       *******

School Lunch

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a parochial elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The teacher had posted a note on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

*******       *******       *******

A Million To One

A man, trying to understand the nature of God, asked Him: “God, how long is a million years to you?” God answered, “A million years is like a minute.” Then the man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars to you?” And God replied, “A million dollars is like a penny.” Finally the man asked, “ God, could you give me a penny?” And God said, “In a minute!”

*******       *******       *******

A Prayer for the Day

Dear God, so far today, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, and I haven’t lost my temper. I haven’t been grumpy, nasty, or selfish, and I’m really glad of that! But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on, I’m probably going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen.

*******       *******       *******

The Tooth Fairy
(From Nayaswami Jyotish)

A dear friend has two daughters, one age 6 and the other age 9. The younger daughter lost a tooth and put it under her pillow when she went to bed that same night. In the morning she woke up and found a quarter where the tooth had been, and she was very happy that the tooth fairy had come.

Later, she and her older sister were in the room with their mother. After a moment, the younger sister asked her mother very tentatively, “Mommy, are you really the tooth fairy?”

The mother looked at the older daughter rather sternly and said, “Did you tell her?”

“Yeah, Mommy,” she replied somewhat sheepishly.

Without waiting for her mother’s reply, the younger daughter said, “But Mommy, how do you get to all those houses every night?”

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A Prankster
(An incident recounted by Paramhansa Yogananda)

In India I kept both the long hair that many yogis grow for spiritual reasons, and a beard. My guru had told me to keep my hair long, so when a fellow passenger on the ship—his name was Rashid; he was a Muslim—said to me, “You should keep either long hair or a beard, for Americans will never accept a scarecrow who sports both!” So then, when he offered to shave off my beard for me, I accepted. Well, he was definitely a prankster! He shaved off half my beard, then went off on his own, leaving me helpless! Maybe two hours passed before he returned, laughing, to relieve me of the other half of my beard!

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Semi-Developed Intuition
(A story by Paramhansa Yogananda)

Once at a farmhouse I met a man who had semi-developed intuition. He bothered everybody with the display of his intuition. He tried it on me several times. Eventually I had an overdose of his semi-intuitional practices and decided to wake him up.

One day, while we were sitting in the farm parlor and the door to the house was closed, we heard footsteps, and I asked my semi-intuitive friend:

“Will you please tell me who is at the door?”

He forthwith replied: “It is my uncle coming home after many years, and he never even wrote me about it.”

The door was opened and the uncle appeared, and when questioned he verified the statement. He said that he had come suddenly without notification. My friend triumphantly exclaimed:

“See, I have fully-developed intuition and not semi-developed intuition as you often say.”

Then I remonstrated: “My friend, beware. You will make a horrible blunder some day. You have a little intuition, but you have not practiced the technique of developing it to the extent that you can really depend upon it.” He laughed at me, but soon I had the occasion to laugh at him. My mischievous prayer was answered.

One dismal, rainy day, we were again sitting in the farm parlor when suddenly there was a loud knock on the closed door. I said to my friend: “Now use your semi-intuition and tell me who is knocking.” He concentrated for a moment, then said: “My brother has unexpectedly arrived. Open the door.”

I laughed and replied: “No, not I. I wouldn’t go near the door—my intuition tells me not to. You had better open the door yourself.”

Saying this, I ran to the other side of the room. He opened the door, and in rushed the farm bull with menacing horns, angrily seeking shelter from the rain. My friend jumped aside frantically and the bull ran after me. Of course, I was prepared for it and simply stepped aside, loudly exclaiming: “My friend, your semi-intuition indeed foretold about your “brother” arriving!” (Praecepta Lessons, 1938)

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AUM, Peace, Amen
(From an Ananda Village parent)

At Ananda Village, the prayer at meals ends with the words, ”AUM, Peace, Amen.” One day a little girl, at the end of the family meal, asked a question that had long been on her mind. “Why, Mommy,” she asked, “do we always bless the peas and almonds even when we’re not having any for dinner?”

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“Sri Ram, Jai Ram”
(From Swami Kriyananda)

Years ago I was recording a Sanskrit chant, “Sri Ram, Jai Ram.”  It’s a wonderful chant, and I sang it from my heart—from the heart center. But toward the end of that recording session my energy slipped into the cervical center, which is opposite the throat. The heart center expresses love, but the throat center expresses calmness and expansion. When I sang it from that center I could feel calmness and a sense of expansion in my energy and voice. I said to the engineer, “Let’s record it again,” and I sang the entire song from the throat center.

A friend of mine’s two-year-old child loved this chant, and always wanted to hear the recording. One day when she was scolding him, he looked up at her and said, “Sri Ram, Jai Ram.” He had felt the calmness of the chant and was trying to pacify his mother with that vibration.

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