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Humor: A Smile a Day

by Clarity Magazine
Fall 2013 No Comment

There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda

New Hearing Aid

Grandpa: My brand new hearing aid is the most expensive you can buy.
It cost me over four thousand dollars.

Alex: What kind is it?

Grandpa: A quarter to four.

 

The Stress Diet

BREAKFAST:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz skim milk

LUNCH:
1 cup steamed vegetables
Tossed green salad
1 Oreo Cookie
Herb tea

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK:
Rest of the Oreo cookies
1 Hot fudge sundae
1 large bag of potato chips

DINNER:
Extra large thick crust pizza (four toppings)
Tossed green salad w/blue cheese dressing
Side dish of deep fried Okra
16 oz Pepsi

MIDNIGHT
Sara Lee cheesecake – direct from freezer.

 

Courtroom Humor

Q: What is your brother-in-law’s name?
A:  Bushinsky

Q: What’s his first name?
A: I can’t remember.

Q: Do you mean to tell me he’s been your brother-in-law for fifteen years, and you can’t remember his first name?
A: No, no I tell you. I’m too excited. I can’t remember.

Suddenly, shouting at his brother-in-law, across the room, he says,
“Aaron, for Pete’s sake.Tell them your first name!”

 

No Problem!

A customer in a restaurant was becoming a bit of a nuisance. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot. Then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold — and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient. He walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw the pest out.

“Oh, I really don’t care or mind,” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

 

Speeding Ticket

A business executive who was late for a meeting was caught speeding.
He was doing 65 in a 30mph zone.

An officer pulled him over and said “Sir, can I please see your license?”

“I’m sorry, officer, it got revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”

Astonished, he says, “Well, can I please see your car registration?”

The man replied, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

“Sir, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”

Five minutes later, backup arrives along with the Chief of Police.

“Sir, can I see your license?” the Chief asks sternly.

“Of course, officer,” the man says cheerily.

“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

“Can I see your registration?”

He pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

The Chief then bangs open the trunk of the car but it’s completely empty.

The man brandishes a finger at the first cop and says to the Chief, “I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

 

Talking Frog

An old man walking down the street happened to look down at the curb and saw a talking frog.
It kept repeating, “Help me! Help me!”

Fascinated, the man picked up the frog and held it in his hand.

“If you kiss me,” the frog said, “I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”

Without a word, the man put the frog in his pocket and kept walking.

“Don’t you want me to turn into a beautiful princess?” the frog pleaded.

“No,” the man said. “At this point in my life, I’d rather have a talking frog.”

 

The Vision Thing

Howard’s boss tried to explain to him why a co-worker got a bigger salary than he did.

“You get things done,” the boss said, “but Frank has vision.”

“But he doesn’t do anything,” Howard replied.

“Right,” said the boss. “That’s why we need you here.”

 

Blindsided

Two friends ran into each other while walking their dogs in the park. One friend suggested lunch. The other said, “Good idea, but they won’t let us into the restaurant with our dogs.”

Undeterred, the first guy heads to the restaurant with his German shepherd. The maître d’ stops him, saying, “Sir, you can’t bring your dog in here.”

“But I’m blind.” the man replies. “This is my guide dog.”

The maître d’, apologizing profusely, shows him to a table.

Five minutes later, his friend tried the same thing.

“You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?” the skeptical maître d’ said.

“A Chihuahua?” the man says. “Is that what they gave me?”

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