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Humor: A Smile a Day

by Clarity Magazine
Winter 2012 No Comment

There is no better panacea for sorrow, no better reviving tonic, and no greater beauty than a genuine smile. —Paramhansa Yogananda

Point of Service

At a certain clothing store, the sales clerks always made it a point of honor to give their customers their unvarnished opinion. One day, as a man emerged from the fitting room, the clerk took one look at him and said. “No, no, those jeans are all wrong for you. I’ll get you another pair.”

As the clerk walked away, the customer mumbled to his friend, “I was trying on the shirt.”

Rude Parrot

A young man named Jon received a parrot for his birthday. Unfortunately, the parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Jon tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, reading scripture to the bird, and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary, but nothing worked. It continued to spew profanities at a remarkable rate.

Finally Jon was fed up. He yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. He shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and more rude. In desperation, Jon finally grabbed the bird and shut him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then, suddenly there was total quiet, not a peep was heard.

Fearing he had killed the foul-mouthed bird, Jon quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jon’s outstretched arm and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my crude language, and I fully intend to do everything I can do to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior. It will never happen again.”

Jon was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. He was about to ask the parrot why he had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, but the bird continued…

“By the way, what did that turkey do to end up in the freezer?”

Police Emergency

This is the true story of Walter Smith of Jackson, Mississippi, who was going to bed one night when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. Walter opened the door to go turn off the light, but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” Walter said no and explained the situation. Then the police explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

Walter said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to Walter, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

Walter replied, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”

A Superb Dinner

After an elaborate dinner party, a man, bidding farewell to his hostess said:

“Thank you, Madame, for a superb dinner. It approached perfection. If the ice cream had been as cold as the soup; the celery as crisp as the asparagus; and the pie crust as crunchy as the mashed potatoes, it would have merited inclusion in the pages of history!”

Cat Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and said, “All my life I lived on a farm and had to sleep on hard, wooden floors, I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.”

St. Peter said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice simultaneously died in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates with the exact same offer he made to the cat.

The mice said, “All of our lives we’ve had to run from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” Instantly, all the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, St. Peter decided to check in on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her big fluffy pillow. He awakened her gently and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

“Oh yes,” the cat replied, “everything is just wonderful. I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that you have been sending over are delicious.”

Phrases of Wisdom

1. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

2. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

3. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Comments at Your Funeral

Three friends died in a car accident and went to an orientation in heaven. They were all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first man said, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”

The second man said, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”

The last man replied, “I would like to hear them say, ‘Look! He’s moving!’”

The Cell Phone

A group of young men are in the locker room when a cell phone rings. One of them picks it up.

Man: “Hello?”

Woman: “Hi, Honey. It’s me. Are you at the club?”

Man: “Yes.”

Woman: “Well, I have good news. The house we wanted is back on the market again. They’re asking 900,000.”

Man: “Well, let’s see. Go ahead and make an offer, but not less than 1.2 million so we’ll be sure to get it.”

Woman: “Okay, that sounds good. See you later. I love you!”

Man: “Bye. I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. Then turning to his buddies, he asks, “Does anyone know whose phone this is?”

Jury Duty

Judge: Is there any reason you cannot do jury duty in this case?

Juror: I can’t afford to be away from my job that long.

Judge: They can’t do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but they don’t know it, yet.

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